Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Possibly Haunted Trek Alpha 1000 43cm - eBay (item 270396436897 end time Jun-03-09 11:05:55 PDT)

Possibly Haunted Trek Alpha 1000 43cm - eBay (item 270396436897 end time Jun-03-09 11:05:55 PDT)

The best auction ever:
"Available for sale is my ex-wife's Trek 1000 Alpha. This is one of those items she absolutely had to have so her life could be complete. Somehow I wound up with it in the not-so-equitable distribution...

I was tempted to set it on fire, or maybe fill the frame with gunpowder and a long fuse. Hopefully you will find this more fulfilling than she did. I don't remember her riding it more than three times. Just another example of "Honey (short for stupid human ATM), I really, really want a road bike, so I can burn off the stress of my job and the kids. THEN, I'll be happy". You'd think I woulda figured this out ten years ago?

There was a time when I thought I might give it back. Today, I'd rather have my fingernails ripped out or a nail driven into my scrotum.

Although the previous owner was posessed with demons, I can not guarantee the bike, itself, is haunted.

FYI to my fellow men out there. I wouldn't advise purchasing this for your wife if you expect her to trim down a few pounds. In my situation, this bike actually resulted in dramatic weight gain and possibly could have been the catalyst for the big "D". Just in case, for no additional charge, I'll pass along her lawyer's phone number. He's the guy you want--one bad sonofagun. The only thing he left me with was this stupid bike and negative $1850 a month. One number I won't give you is our marriage counselor. Yeah, he fired us. Twice. I'm pretty sure I paid about a grand for this bike back in 2001. Also, the bike is a 43cm, not a 44 like the listing says. The sticker is still on the frame.

I mean, I get it. Back in the day when the 50 year old bald beer bellied dude would run off with the 19 year old neighbor and leave his wife of 30 years with no education and no job. Those women needed to be protected. But what the heck is up with these antique laws on marriage? She's making more than freaking me now. Men, how did we let this happen?

I'd really rather not ship it--the sight of it sickens me, let alone touching that seat where her droopy, exploding with cellulite [expletive deleted] used to ride. *shudder*. I'd rather not take any more pics either. Come on over and take it home with you. If I must, I'll take it to one of those shipping places that box up stuff and let them figure it out. I'll charge you $75 for shipping, but refund any overage after I send it. If it costs more than $75, I'll eat the additional shipping expense.

Normally I have a no-hassle return policy, but in this case, I'm sorry. I don't want anything to do with this bike now, and I definitely ain't gonna buy the dang thing back from ya. I'd rather you drilled through my front teeth. Think about it.

Anyhow, you've been warned. Bid with zeal and vigor. Proceeds from this sale will be invested in anger management classes for me, and possibly a few additional voodoo dolls of the ex. I think I'll call the psychic hotline too. Wait til Dionne Warwick gets ahold of her lardy-caboose...

Paypal preferred, although I can handle credit cards too. Cash is always welcome if you're stopping by to pick up. Please bring beer.

Remember, marriage is like a jacuzzi. After you get in and get used to it, it's not so hot."

No comments: